“In life there are two tragedies,” Oscar Wilde as soon as stated. “One just isn’t getting what one desires. The opposite is getting it.” The second tragedy was what I noticed final evening on the Kennedy Heart Honors.
For so long as I can keep in mind, I’ve been obsessive about the Kennedy Heart Honors, an odd, D.C.-based entertainment-awards present the place 4 celebrities you’ve heard of (and one it is best to have) put on medals, sit in a particular field on the Kennedy Heart with the president, and obtain some type of creative tribute. Not like different awards exhibits, which honor celebrities of the current, these rejoice a lifetime of achievements. After they’re good, they’re very, excellent (consider Adam Lambert’s transcendent “Consider” cowl for Cher, or Aretha Franklin enjoying for Carole King). After they’re unusual, they’re very, very unusual (the Francis Ford Coppola tribute during which everybody sat at a dinner desk springs to thoughts).
Are the Kennedy Heart Honors essential? Right now? Even a little bit bit? Completely not. Have I been longing my complete life to attend one? Completely. You may have the Grammys! You may have the Oscars! These are my every part. There’s no less than one different one that feels precisely the identical method: the president of the USA. And final evening, we have been each in attendance.
Think about that you’ve got wished to host the Honors all of your life. Now you get to. The honorees are a number of of your favorites. Gloria Gaynor, the singer of the 1978 hit “I Will Survive.” Michael Crawford, who originated the position of the Phantom of the Opera on Broadway and gained the Tony for it in 1988. Sylvester Stallone. George Strait. Kiss.
However one thing’s off. The entire night has the traits of a want made on a monkey’s paw. You needed the 4 Seasons, however you bought 4 Seasons Whole Landscaping. Why is a “content material creator” introducing one of many tributes to Gloria Gaynor? The place is Meryl Streep? Why does an evening that must be Donald Trump’s biggest triumph really feel a lot like he revived the Honors from the Pet Sematary?
Begin with the pink carpet. Somebody who seems like Kellyanne Conway however isn’t walks down it. (This may occasionally simply be how each lady voluntarily attending Trump occasions seems now.) Gene Simmons is impolite to a reporter who asks him about his previous criticism of Trump. He says the American dream is alive and effectively; his mom fled Germany and he’s fortunate to have life right here. Thank goodness America stays a welcoming place for refugees to make a greater life, so we will proceed to take pleasure in music. (Cling on for a second whereas I Google the administration’s stance on refugees!)
Doug Burgum, secretary of the inside, is providing the doubtful, barely backhanded praise that Trump is “the one president we’ve had that may have the ability to step in and host a present like this” and “essentially the most certified TV host we’ve ever had sitting within the Oval Workplace.”
Howard Lutnick, the commerce secretary, is remarking that he “loves The Phantom of the Opera.”
If the truth that Doug Burgum and Howard Lutnick are strolling the pink carpet makes you ponder whether anybody well-known is in attendance, that’s an accurate impulse. Sylvester Stallone is there, however he bypasses the carpet, strolling quickly some place else. The NewsNation reporter subsequent to me tells her viewers that the carpet is a little bit bit “lighter” on “the Hollywood aspect” than is typical.
The president arrives final, with Melania, who’s sporting a black robe that, structurally, jogs my memory of the roof of the constructing previously often known as the Institute of Peace (now the Trump Institute of Peace). Trump says that he’s going to be himself. That, he says, is what Johnny Carson did. He takes the opera-house stage and declares, “I’m going to attempt to act like Johnny Carson.”
“Lots of you might be depressing, horrible folks. I want you’d quit, however you don’t,” Trump tells the viewers. The “massive, lovely invoice” will get a shout-out: “It was presupposed to be 17 payments. We wrapped them into one.” We’re knowledgeable that the honorees know that “it’s all about profitable. You win ahead. And that’s how profitable is finished.” Wherever you go, there you might be, I suppose.
He compares Sylvester Stallone favorably to Orson Welles (who peaked at 25). Along with the tribute to Sylvester Stallone, filmmaker, we’re handled to a separate video extolling him completely as a painter, together with voice-overs the place he explains his work—at all times an encouraging signal for an artist!
Kelsey Grammer begins the Michael Crawford tribute by singing, “Hiya, Michael! Nicely, hi there, Michael!” to the tune of “Hiya, Dolly!” Is that this what you wished for, Donald? There’s a sure irony in a canopy of “It Solely Takes a Second” that takes what appears like 18 years as a result of it has been slowed to an unearthly crawl by a Mamma Mia forged member. (“Isn’t that one thing,” Kelsey Grammer says afterward. “My goodness.”)
Michael Crawford appears happy to be included, although I really feel prefer it should sting to have the tribute itemizing all of your accomplishments finish abruptly within the yr 1988. I’ve watched these Honors earlier than! Normally they point out some sort of triumphant return! Lie, if essential. Of all of the occasions for this administration to resolve to cling strictly to the details.
Lastly we arrive for the time being that the president has absolutely been ready for: the Phantom of the Opera duet. This shall be sung by Laura Osnes, a famously not-vaccinated-for-COVID former Broadway performer, and … David Phelps, whose Wikipedia bio calls him “an American Christian music vocalist, songwriter, vocal arranger, and producer” and notes that “on January 13, 2008, Phelps appeared on Excessive Makeover Residence Version.” Subsequent, Phelps tackles “The Music of the Evening” alone.
My notes from this level within the night learn “Donald Trump possibly is in hell.” Congratulations, Mr. President! It’s one among your favourite songs, carried out at your Kennedy Heart Honors! Oh, nice! By a Broadway star? Nicely … the performer does have a TV credit score! Then once more, if he’s harbored the will to listen to “The Music of the Evening” with extra of a Christian pop vocal, possibly he’s over the moon.
“I really like nation,” the president says earlier than the George Strait tribute. (This will get a small however distinct chuckle from a part of the viewers.) This section options precise nation stars, together with Brooks and Dunn and Miranda Lambert. If President Trump certainly loves nation, it must be the spotlight of the night! If he’s somebody for whom the head of leisure is Cats, possibly not.
Gloria Gaynor is subsequent. A disco ball the dimensions of a small boulder descends to hold over Elle King, and 10 exuberant dancers wearing what I believe is gold lamé come out to pull my eyes away from the singer at each alternative as she sings “I Will Survive.” Unusual to see the originator of this queer anthem on the Kennedy Heart Honors for an administration that has proven such disdain for LGBTQ folks. What has introduced her right here? The tribute video reveals that she has pivoted to gospel music.
After a short disco medley, the lighting adjustments. The projected nightclub imagery turns into stained-glass home windows and gospel musicians enter. The disco ball continues to be caught there, awkwardly, casting pink and yellow and blue mild across the room. Trump bops alongside dutifully to “Treasured Lord.” Is that this what you wished for, Mr. President?
Garth Brooks is now right here for Kiss. He praises their “conversational lyrics” and “commonsense chord progressions,” which, once more, doesn’t sound as complimentary because it may.
Who’s up subsequent to current? Why, it’s the magician Criss Angel! The Mindfreak seems for a tribute to Kiss in a closely bedazzled swimsuit with what seems to be the mangled carcass of a chandelier dangling from the shoulders. He’s there to supply a particular magical tribute to Ace Frehley during which smoke pours out of a guitar whereas a vivid mild shines on it.
We finish with “Rock and Roll All Nite.” Then Donald Trump comes out to thank us and inform us to get residence safely. I want we may entice the president in some sort of terrarium and make him do that type of factor completely. If solely this have been all simply leisure, and the one males with their faces hidden by masks have been doing tributes to Michael Crawford.
On the best way out, passing the after-party (you’ll be able to pose with a Phantom of the Opera–themed picture backdrop that includes pink roses and a large masks!), I stroll previous the actual Kellyanne Conway in a inexperienced mermaid costume boogieing alongside to “Take On Me.” The duvet band, maybe sensing that I’m on deadline and will use the content material, performs a melancholy Harry Types hit: You realize it’s not the identical because it was.
This could possibly be Donald Trump’s heaven, if solely the world would cooperate. However as an alternative every part he touches turns to brass. His pop turns to nation; his Broadway turns to Christian rock; his disco turns to gospel. He’s so shut that he can nearly style it, however he won’t ever get to style it. Donald Trump is in hell. If solely we weren’t trapped there with him.
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