I predicted a closely-fought Ashes series that would go right down to the wire – but these chancers are now staring at a whitewash
THE GABBA – It’s the hope that kills you when it comes to the England cricket team. This current one has inspired more than most thanks to some extraordinary exploits over the past three years or so.
No longer, as this second Test and hopes of regaining the Ashes all-but evaporated following a criminally negligent batting performance on the third evening under the Gabba floodlights.
Forget riding scooters without a helmet, as some England players were pictured doing before this day-night Test. Driving recklessly in Australia is punishable with fines up to £10,000 and, in some instances, prison sentences.
England’s batters should take note as they’ve been driving without due care and attention ever since this series started last month.
It’s the kind of brainless batting that saw them suffer collapses of 5-12 and 9-99 when they lost the series opener in Perth inside two days. They’ve been at it again in Brisbane, with the first-innings implosion of 5-54 followed by another surrender on a chastening third evening of this pink-ball Test.
Ben Duckett got a good delivery from Scott Boland that kept low. Everyone else – and the collapse this time was five for 38 – can hang their heads in shame.
Inexplicably, Ollie Pope, Zak Crawley, Joe Root, Harry Brook and Jamie Smith were all guilty of playing at deliveries on a fourth-stump line.
Given England started their second-innings 177 runs in arrears thanks to five dropped catches on day two and a listless bowling performance for the best part of two sessions on this third day, shouldn’t they have known better?
I know it’s Christmas season but do the Bazballers really need to donate so many gifts to the Australians?
What makes this series so painful is the fact that this time it was meant to be different. Coach Brendon McCullum and captain Ben Stokes have always backed themselves to win more matches than they lose playing their aggressive style of cricket.
Despite the limited warm-up period in Australia and a terrible record Down Under since England last won in 2010-11, optimism was higher this winter than at any point since that triumph 15 years ago.
Tens of thousands of fans have parted with their life savings to travel out to Australia this winter, while many pundits, journalists, including this one, and commentators predicted a closely-fought series that would, hopefully, go right down to the wire.
Instead, we have the usual one-sided Australian cakewalk that has been a running theme over the past three series here, when England have lost 13 and drawn two of the 15 Tests.
Were we all mugs? It certainly feels that way right now. England’s fate in this match is not yet sealed. But still 43 runs behind and just four wickets to play with, the last rites look like being administered on the fourth day here at the Gabba.
Maybe Bazball was an elaborate confidence trick that sucked us all in? The Australians never bought it and now they are revelling in England’s misery. I mean really revelling in it. A picture of a young English fan on the brink of tears flashed up on the big screen just before the close. You can guess the reaction from the Aussie crowd.
We should have all probably seen this coming given that Bazball failed in its three previous series against Australia and India – the 2-2 Ashes draw at home in 2023, a 4-1 hammering on the sub-continent at the start of last year and another 2-2 draw at home to the Indians last summer.
This time, though, so much has gone in England’s favour, it’s hard to fathom exactly how they’ve ended up in this position.
They have won both tosses. Australia have been forced to rejig their batting line-up and, crucially, they have been forced to field a weakened bowling attack thanks to injuries to captain Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood.
Mitchell Starc, with 77 runs on this third day to add to his 18 wickets so far in the series, has been a force of nature. But, jeez, England have not had a better opportunity to do well in Australia for years. And they’ve blown it.
The last hope of a miracle rests on the seventh-wicket partnership of Stokes and Will Jacks. Somehow, they have to fashion enough of a lead to challenge Australia.
More likely, this will all be over inside the first session of day four, with England heading to Adelaide 2-0 down and seemingly out of this series.
One team in history has come back from that scoreline to win the Ashes – the Australians of 1936-37, and they had Donald Bradman in their line-up.
This motley crew of chancers look like they’ll struggle to win a session at this moment in time.
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