Deepa Paul: Embracing Transparency in an Open Marriage

Deepa Paul, the Indian-Filipina author of her memoir “Ask Me How It Works”, poses in Amsterdam, Netherlands, November 7, 2025. REUTERS/Piroschka van de Wouw

When Indian-Filipina author Deepa Paul and her husband agreed not to be monogamous a decade ago, she never imagined she’d write a book about it — much less introduce her boyfriend to her husband and then to her mother in the deeply Catholic Philippines, where Paul grew up and where divorce remains illegal.

This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.

What inspired you to write this memoir?

“Ask Me How It Works” began as an essay. When we opened our marriage 10 years ago and I first started using dating apps, I kept getting the same questions. People who were interested in dating me wanted to know how it worked. I realized it would be easier if I wrote an article I could share with them, as a joke.

I tried to get it published then, but no one was interested in open marriages at the time. So, I shelved it. During the pandemic, my copywriting work dried (up) and I had time to revisit unfinished projects. I wanted to have it published in the New York Times’ Modern Love column, but it has a brutal word count of about 1,700 words. Meanwhile, I had (written) a 6,000-word monster. My writing coach said, “Why are you trying to cram this into 1,700 words? This is not an essay. This is a book”. That was my aha moment.

Do you think public attitudes toward open marriage have shifted since then?

Absolutely. When we opened up, it was quite a niche lifestyle choice that no one spoke about. Everyone on dating apps was monogamous. Now, things are different and non-monogamy has entered the mainstream conversation. The pandemic played a huge part. So many relationships changed during that period. Marriages that were already shaky fell apart, and a lot of people started rethinking what they wanted after experiencing isolation, loneliness, and breakups.

Media has also portrayed open relationships more, I guess because they know it’s a hot topic and, of course, sex sells. There’s still a big assumption that anyone who’s non-monogamous is doing it for the sex.

Deepa Paul, the Indian-Filipina author of her memoir “Ask Me How It Works”, poses in Amsterdam, Netherlands, November 7, 2025. REUTERS/Piroschka van de Wouw

The pope likens polygamy, polyamory, and adultery, and I disagree with that. They’re very different things. Aside from his use of the word “exclusive,” though, I don’t actually object to the substance of what he says.

He describes monogamy as mutual belonging based on the free consent of the spouses, a commitment that’s meant to strengthen the stability of the relationship without disrespecting anyone’s freedom or identity. I was married in the Catholic Church, and my marriage still involves only one spouse. We maintain certain things as exclusive to each other, like finances, parenting, and our household, and for us that doesn’t conflict with being polyamorous.

In any case, I don’t want to take relationship advice from single men who have never been in a relationship.

You write that an open marriage cannot save a relationship. Can you elaborate on that?

Opening up your marriage to save it is like having a baby to save it. It feels like something that could be potentially exciting: bringing some new, fresh energy into your relationship. But it also brings a lot of unpredictable situations. You bring in people who have their own feelings, their own conflicts, their own desires and it really boils down to how you as a unit, as a relationship, handle this.

Deepa Paul, the Indian-Filipina author of her memoir “Ask Me How It Works”, poses in Amsterdam, Netherlands, November 7, 2025. REUTERS/Piroschka van de Wouw

Most people assume open relationships are a free-for-all: “I can do whatever I want, whenever I want with whomever I want.” What an open marriage actually needs is a lot of commitment to be able to ensure that everyone’s feelings are okay. One person’s adventure might be somebody else’s disaster.

With ethical non-monogamy, you’re asking for a lot, which means that you have to give a lot, and this is not always factored in. For me, the foundation of my open marriage is still commitment. Otherwise, I would have just left my marriage.

Of all the reactions that you’ve received to your open marriage, which one surprised you the most?

My mother’s. She is 76 years old and lives in the Philippines, a very conservative, Catholic country. Divorce is not enshrined in the legal system. A lot of people’s perspectives about marriage, commitment and intimacy are very religion-driven there. It is still very much taboo, especially for a woman, to be open about sexuality and desire.

I told my mother about my open marriage about four years ago, once I knew I wanted to publish this book.

Even though she didn’t know what an open marriage was, she almost took the words out of my mouth by saying: “I know you have something going on where you’re each other’s life partner and you love each other, but you have other people in your lives and you are free to have other relationships.” It was really liberating for me to have her non-judgmental acceptance.

She met (my boyfriend) Robert when we were still together last year and it went really well.